I had a laundry list of items I thought I was going to do today. It’s Independence Day and a day off from work. So that meant I could get some of the stuff I didn’t get done over the weekend done today, right? Wrong. I just couldn’t pull myself out of the bed. I. Just. Couldn’t.

See a few years ago, we started a tradition of going to my grandmother’s house in Indianapolis for the Fourth of July. There were a few times I couldn’t make it due to work or finances, but even in those times I could call up and talk to grandma, my cousins and all of my family who is there.

But this Fourth of July, I couldn’t call up or even go. Because my grandmother passed away in February 2017.  And I have to be honest with myself and say that I am not okay. I miss her. I wish I would’ve had the chance to talk to her again before she passed away…had one more Fourth of July with her.

I realize that I don’t know how to deal with this kind of grief. Other than write or pray the only thing I can do is cry. And tears can come out of nowhere. When everyone is enjoying their day off and watching fireworks, who wants to be around someone who could have a meltdown at any moment?

I finally pulled myself out of bed somewhere around 3PM or so and started my to-do list, slowly. The first thing I did was list some of the things that I want to add to my everyday routine. One thing on the list is to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling. And today I’m not fine. I don’t feel blessed. I feel blah. I miss my grandma and I don’t know how to cope with grief. And all of this is okay. I know I will be okay in time, but that is not where I am now. I’m on the corner of Grief and Enjoy The Holiday Streets. And right now, I’m not sure which direction to go.